I decided to actually make a post onto my "blog" tonight because I currently have so many bottled up emotions.
For one thing I have decided that I am a masochist when it comes to my relationships with guys. I fall for the ones that continue to hurt me over and over again and I repeatedly go back to them. I get over them (and when I say "them" I am in actuality just referring to one guy in particular) and then they somehow manage to squeeze their way back into my life. It's almost as if they have some sort of alert system that lets them know when I have forgotten about them and am happy again. This is their cue to suddenly make a return into my life and cause me the same hurt and pain I have experienced before. For the life of me I cannot figure out why I continually, and voluntarily, reenter this sick, masochistic cycle. But I had a revelation tonight...no more! I'm done! I will no longer answer your texts or phone calls. I realized that the guy I am meant to be with would never leave me in the first place and cause me so much pain. He would not kick my heart around like a hacky sack. It will be hard when I see your name light up my iPhone...but it will be easier to protect my heart from any further pain. This song couldn't be any closer to how I am feeling...
Also, I am about to turn 24...yep I said it...24! I can't believe I am going to be in my mid-twenties. When I was still a teenager, especially while I was in high school, I had a vision of what my life would be like at this moment. According to my 17 year old self, at 24 I would be in my second year of medical school in Chicago (yeah, crazy I know!), have a steady boyfriend (or maybe even be engaged) and be financially independent from my mother. So far I am 0 for 3. 1) I didn't even make it through my first semester as a pre-med student at the University of Arkansas (there was no way I was ever going to do well in an upper level chemistry or physics class). I decided to major in criminal justice and attend graduate school. That lasted for one semester because to me it was like a medieval form of torture. 2) I haven't had a steady boyfriend in a couple of years. I've dated a few guys but something always seems to go wrong (they turn out to be circus freaks, completely obsessive or I push them away). I'm starting to question whether I'm even a "relationship person" because I really enjoy being single. Maybe I'm meant to emulate Samantha from Sex and the City. 3) I still depend on my mom to help pay some bills and occasionally help with my rent. I get embarrassed when I see friends from high school and college who have well paying jobs, pay for everything that is theirs and even own their own house. I don't have a well paying job...I work my ass off for crappy pay and don't get benefits. Even though I have been on a ferocious job search I have come up empty handed. Granted I'm lucky to even have a job in our economic situation but I can't go on much longer with this pathetic job. I need to attain adult status and become completely financially independent from my mom. Realizing that I'm not where I thought I was going to be when I turned 24 has turned my world upside down. Maybe my 24th year of life will be one of change...a new, well paying job, financial independence and some prospects in the love department.
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